You know what, folks, we’ve all listened to these State of the Union addresses for years, and everybody knows they’re just a bunch of hooey . . . circular rhetoric, doubletalk, empty promises, pie-in-the-sky, “Hope and Change” . . . .
Well, I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to do that, bore you with a lot of words that don’t mean anything. So let’s just get down to business, and that’s what I’m good at – business.
Look . . . the state of the union is terrible. It’s a disaster. The worst it’s ever been since the Great Depression. For the past eight years my predecessor did nothing useful – we all know that, right? I mean, he hobbled the economy, he drove jobs away to China, to India, to Indonesia . . . he weakened our military to the point that nobody fears us any more . . . he worsened the racial unrest in the country . . . he made end runs around Congress with his “pen and his phone” to do things that he knew they’d never pass, and you know why? Because they were unconstitutional, that’s why. It’s a mess.
So, I’m going to fix all that. We’re in deep trouble . . . in education, in national security, in health care, in business growth – and you know I can fix that, because I’m primarily a businessman. I know how to do that. Believe me, it’s going to be amazing the things we’re going to do with the economy. We’re going to bring jobs back from overseas and get factories producing and stop illegals from taking jobs away from Americans . . . we’re going to do all that because we can’t go on the way we’ve been doing for the past 8 years.
O.K. Now I’m in charge, and I’ll freely admit that I don’t know all there is to know about everything. NObody knows all there is to know about everything. Do you folks know all there is to know about everything? Of course you don’t. Nobody does. But what you can trust me to do is find people who DO know everything there is to know about one specific thing and then hire them to keep me informed on that subject. And if they can’t do it, I’ll fire them and hire someone who can. And I know how to hire the right people, and I know how to fire people. Trust me.
Let’s face it – lots of laws and programs and other things have been put in place during the past 10 years or so that were just stupid. Stupid. There’s no other word for it. Stupid, and because stupid people without any real-world experience were running things. Now, George Bush is a nice guy . . . I’ve met him, I’ve talked with him, I like him a lot. But he made some really bad choices in Iraq and other places, and I told everybody they were mistakes . . . and I was right.
But George is a true American, and a really nice guy, and he’s done some amazing things with the veterans, the terribly wounded guys who lost legs and arms . . . but he was TOO nice a guy, and he didn’t know how to fire people when they screwed up. And that’s where I’ll be great, because I know how to fire people, and you all know that about me . . . that’s why you hired me.
O.K. We’re going to build that wall and stop illegals from coming in. As a matter of fact, we’re going to make it so difficult for illegals to get work here that they’ll eagerly go home to Mexico or wherever they came from. We’re going to put Americans back to work. I mean, it’s ridiculous to say that we have a 5% unemployment rate when everybody, and I mean EVERYbody knows that millions and millions of good people are out of work, and millions have just stopped looking for work because some alien took the job they could have done, and he took it for less pay than they would have received . . . and why? Because he’s here illegally, and he doesn’t have to worry about taxes, or insurance, or health care . . . and why? Because our government gives him all kinds of insurance and other benefits for free.
Look . . . I don’t want to waste everybody’s time here talking about specifics so that some reporter trying to make a name for himself can ask me a gotcha question at the next news conference because I said something here today that turned out to be incomplete or inaccurate or out of date or whatever.
Here’s what we’re going to do, and it’s going to be great . . . I can tell you that. First we’re going to get rid of Obamacare and fix the health-care problem so that employers can hire full-time employees they can count on and get things running smoothly again. My team is working on a plan right now, and we’ll give you that plan in a few weeks, and it’ll be so good that Congress, both houses, will fall all over themselves in their rush to abolish the ACA and put my plan in its place. Trust me on that. It’s going to be great.
Climate change. Biggest scam since Charlie Ponzi’s mail certificate scheme. We’re going to assume that the sun and this planet will do whatever is in their nature and we’re going to do what’s in ours, and that’s to use common sense in developing new sources of energy and don’t be gluttons in using our natural resources, the same way the guys who built this country did. Yes, we’re going to drill . . . in Alaska, in the Gulf, in the tar sands, anyplace we can find what we need without ruining the land for future generations. It’s going to be great, and we won’t be funding the oil-rich Arab states because we’ll outproduce them and drive them out of business. And business is what I understand. Trust me on this.
The war on terror. Most people don’t have a clue about how to handle the Muslim mentality. Well, I will tell you that the only thing they respect is strength and resolve. You show them the slightest hesitation, and they see weakness. You don’t compromise with people who say they’re going to kill you and cut off your head. You kill them first, or you eliminate their ability to operate, which is what we’re going to do. And I don’t care who gets rid of ISIS . . . I don’t care if it’s Assad, or Putin, or whoever. I’m not going to waste money and brave young Americans’ lives in places where the people hate us and vote against us in the UN. If they send their terrorist infiltrators here, we’ll kill them. And that’s another reason for the wall on our southern border. Trust me on this. We’re going to do amazing things about illegal migrants and terrorists and troublemakers, and we’re going to make somebody else pay for it, not the American taxpayers.
Cybersecurity. This is ridiculous. People send their children here to our universities to learn computers and systems and how to write code and all that, and then they go back to their countries and hack into our systems to get data to blackmail us or rip us off. That’s just stupid. If we can teach them how to do that, then we can develop ways to return the favor and infect their computers before they can even start on ours. It’s going to be wonderful how we’re going to stop the hackers. And when we catch one who did get into our databases, then we’re going to punish him SO severely to show the others what will happen when they get caught . . . and they WILL get caught. Trust me. It’s going to be great.
Taxes. Hey, everybody knows that if you tax people too much, you stifle business growth. This is something I know about, because I am a successful businessman. Trust me on this. We’re going to reduce taxes on everyone except the parasites, the hedge-fund dealers, the speculators, the lobbyists. You’re going to be amazed at how much money is going to flow back into the country and how quickly the economy will respond. I’m good at this thing, so trust me on it. I mean, I’m rich, and I didn’t get that way like John Kennedy or John Kerry or George Bush. I didn’t inherit it, I didn’t marry it, and I didn’t just luck into it. I’m really good at making money.
Education: I’m going to fire a lot of people who haven’t been doing their jobs and are just costing the taxpayers huge amounts of money on inflated salaries. My Secretary of Education is a retired Marine Corps Master Gunnery Sergeant who has raised 5 kids of his own and been teaching in a ghetto school in Miami for the past 10 years. He’s going to make our system lean and mean, just like he is, and it’s going to be great. Trust me.
Foreign Affairs. As you know, my Secretary of State is John Bolton, a man who doesn’t tolerate liars and doubletalkers and people who consistently vote against us in the UN. In fact, we’ve informed the UN that it’s no longer welcome to headquarter here in the US and we’re not going to fund what has become a bash-America and destroy-Israel cartel. They’re going to have to move, I don’t care where, but we can’t have them here. We’re going to treat it like a business, and we’re not going to throw good money after bad on a doomed investment. This is something I know about, and John Bolton agrees with me. He believes in dialogue, but that even the best dialogue doesn’t work with ideologues unless it comes backed up with strength. And we’re going to deal from strength, because I’m going to revitalize our military, and I know how to make deals. Trust me on this.
Guantanamo Bay. This is really stupid. How in the world did we ever get the idea to give those guys air-conditioned barracks and special foods and a brand-new soccer field and television . . . I mean, those guys want to kill us and cut our heads off. I’m not going to allow them into this country where they can stand in front of some bleeding-heart judge who tells them they’re free to go just so we can shut down a facility we’ve spend millions and millions of dollars upgrading and modernizing. And if the Castro brothers want it back, they’re going to have to make a great offer for it, because I’m not just GIVING it back for free. I know how to make deals. Believe me.
Same-sex marriage. O.K. Look – I don’t care who does what with whom in the privacy of their bedroom so long as it doesn’t disturb the neighbors. But marriage has traditionally been for the purpose of producing and raising children. If people of the same sex want to live together, fine. Who cares. And if they want to make some kinds of arrangements for hospital visitation or for property rights or for raising adopted children, that’s up to them and the courts in whatever state they live in. They can make their own deals without destroying our culture. That’s what marriage is anyway, isn’t it . . . a deal? And I know about deals.
Shari’a law. This is really simple. In fact, it’s so simple that only stupid people can’t understand it – Shari’a law is not compatible with our Constitution or with the American way of life. No discussion. It will never be allowed into our system of law while I have anything to do with running this country. Trust me on this. It’s just wrong, and we’re not going to have it.
O.K. Folks. I’ve taken up enough of your time. I’ve got work to do. I need to fire some people in critical positions and hire some new ones. And that’s something I know how to do.
America is a great country that made a bad decision, twice, all because of political correctness, and we got some stupid people who didn’t know what they were doing in powerful offices. Well, that’s over now. America is going to be great again. Trust me. This is something I know how to do, and if I don’t know, I know how to find out.
Our national disgrace is over, so let’s roll up our sleeves, kick out all the parasites, and get to work.
Thank you, and good night.